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THE AGANA SCRIPTS.
SYNTHESIS.
LAW.
HISTORY.
The Book of St Hu (1 - 2 - 3 - 4) - The History of the Prophet (1 - 2 - 3)
REVELATIONS.
Revelation 1 (1 - 2 - 3) - The Letter to the Estior - Revelation 2 - The End
1. In the beginning was the absence of anything. There were no things, and everywhere was nothingness.
2. Then the Divine DJ Halsey spake, and said unto the ether, come forth existence, and verily did existence come forth.
3. First was made the earth, the land and the sea, the sun, the moon and the stars.
4. But DJ Halsey could not see His creations, and thought this bad. So verily did he bring forth light into the world, so he might see His earth.
5. Then said he, let the sea bring forth amoeba, so that they might evolve into every living thing. And amoeba were brought forth, and yet they did not evolve.
1. And so, DJ Halsey brought forth green things to pass the time while the amoeba evolved. He called them plants, and plants were they called.
2. Yet still was there no evolution, and so did DJ Halsey have to lend a helping hand.
3. He created fish to live in the water, and birds to fly in the sky, but still was he not satisfied.
4. He brought forth Dinosaurs as an organism to rule the earth, but a comet hit and they were wiped out, and verily did DJ Halsey say “Damn those pesky comets”.
5. For many months more he watched His creations evolve.
6. “My lust,” said he “for excitement is insatiable, such that it cannot be satisfied. I must rectify this with immediacy”
7. And so did he bring forth a second being of Himself, as Wilding.
8. Wilding preached of Lesbos, and of Aenus, but still was DJ Halsey not satisfied.
9. “I must create an organism that can rule itself ,with a little war thrown in.”
1. And so did he create man, and then woman. And he watched them grow, and relate, and copulate, and DJ Halsey was the first voyeur.
2. And soon was the race of man and of woman diverse, and rich across the surface of the earth.
3. But certain men had become evil, and had eaten of the tree of greed, and were lusting for oil.
4. And he spake unto these men, named George, son of George, and Anthony, poodle of George, son of George, “Thee who shall bellum gerere on those better off than thyself shall find thyself damned for all eternity in the Hell of Politicians who have created for themselves a suicide. And I say to thee, shut the hell up, for bellum has no place in the earth which I so lovingly created for you.”
5. Yet these men took not heed. And verily did DJ Halsey say, “just get out”, and these men found themselves in exile with various other outcasts, who had suffered similar fates after eating the fruits of the seven trees of evil: Pride, Gluttony, Covetousness, Anger, Lust, Sloth and Envy.
Thus does here the Synthesis end.
As the Lord your God, I pass these commandments down to you.
At this place doth end the Law
Part One: The Divine DJ Halsey Takes Form on Earth
1. And at first, life on Earth for Him was not an easy ride.
2. And the Divine DJ Halsey attempted to reason with the unruly race of Undeca, and hath failed to break the ice.
3.So He quoth unto them, “Shut the hell up!”, and they obeyed Him mercifully.
4. And after His ordeal with the troublesome troublemakers of Undeca, He did go to numerous other Classics classes, and did teach many other languages.
5. Thus did the modern tongues arise from His learned mouth.
6. But some peoples were not pleased by His message of peace and salvation, and did wish Him harm.
7. And some of them came soon after Him, and sought His place of sanctuary.
8. Verily did He dismiss them with the iconic chant of, “Get the hell out of my classroom!”,
9. for He was converting a rowdy race of Nonians to the power of Halseyism at that time, with reference to His lost followers,
10. the honourable and most blessed Caecilius, and the most just Dikaiopolis.
11. And thus did the non-believers retreat into the Desert of Satan’s Ignorance.
Part Two: DJ Halsey Quells Another Savage Rebellion.
1. And DJ Halsey did set forth into the unknown territory of The Doldrums, a most terrible land scarred by illiteracy and naivety.
2. And He said unto her rambunctious inhabitants, “Gather round, my people, and bear witness to the light.”
3. But some of them replied unto Him, “Get stuffed, you stupid old man!”
4. And He shouted in retaliation, “Excuse me? I will not me spoken to like that!
5. “Now willst thou shut the hell up and listen, or must I overpower you and thrust you into the Corridor?”
6. And His vanquished opponents sat themselves down upon the dusty ground, and listened with awe as DJ Halsey told them of the great mysteries of life.
7. “Listen with utmost concentration,” He said, “as I tell pass down to you my eternal wisdom.
8. “It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the dream of the fight, standing up to the challenge of thine rival.”
9. And verily did He bade them change their ways, or else be banished for all eternity unto Satan and all his little wizards.
Part Three: The Parable of Robin of Evans
1. And there was once a heathen who lived in the mountainous dales of Evans.
2.His name was Robin of Evans, and he was verily a most dangerous and violent monkey.
3. This monkey denounced frequently the society that the Divine DJ Halsey had given us in the time of St Alwise
4. and he attacked hypocritically its members.
5. Despite his motto of “Violence is not the answer”, he regularly went against his own word,
6. for had been accurséd by the Devil, Gerard Beelzebub Houllier.
7. He practiced in the black art of supporting Liverpool (Ave Halse), and was rumoured to be of Welsh (Ave Halse) descent.
8. For these sins did some of his victims plot to kill him.
9. And verily they declared Jihad on his ass, and came after him ruthlessly, and with no mercy
10. But Robin of Evans received word of this from the Devil, and fled into the Desert of Bush’s Brain, and so the mob was perplexed.
11. But DJ Halsey gave them a divine hand, one which pointed downwards, flashed like with neon brightness and said, “He’s right here!”
12. And verily with a blood-curdling cry, did the mob rush forward and massacred Robin of Evans.
13. He did protest, and quoth unto them, “Violence is not the answer! Hey, hey, no, that’s nasty!
14. “DJ Halsey does not exist! He is a dustbinman with an IQ of 2, chosen by MC Lennett for a foolish marketing gimmick!”
15. But his protests were in vain, and he was forever a foot shorter.
Part Four: DJ Halsey Tames Dilesho.
1. From the land of Undeca, which DJ Halsey hath formerly conquered with His infinite wisdom, came a rebel who had not yet been tamed.
2. And his name was Dilesh, but he was given the title of Derek by the believers of Him.
3. And he did attempt to stir up strife and ignorance among the converted people of Undeca.
4. But he did not reckon with His glorious majesty, and He did appeal unto him to “Shut the hell up!”
5. But he was unrepentant, and quoth, “Joker, bled, jokah!” And the Classics went bewitched by his insolent tongue.
6. But DJ Halsey was not one to, as they say, give up that easily, for He tussled with Derek, and attempted to let him see the light.
7. But even though he was threatened with getting the hell out of the classroom, he was still naughty.
8. And thus was DJ Halsey almost at His wits’ end, but He stood defiant against his impetuousness, and declared, “One more word, and you’re going out the bloody door!”
9. And may that word never be uttered, for once that horrific word is spoken by Derek, then shall he be cast kicking and screaming into the fiery abyss of Mt. Doom,
10. where he shall for evermore suffer in pain and torment in the clutches of the goatee-wearing Satan, and all his mischievous little wizards.
11. May he be condemned to hear ‘Flowers in the Window’ (Ave Halse) until his brains rot, and he is left as a nervous, jibbering wreck.
12. And He spake unto his people, saying, “Dereo tacito, ubi homi mirabantur.”
Part One: The Man is Found, and Educated.
1. There walked a man upon the earth of the Divine DJ Halsey by the name of Nett knowly Lenn.
2. And DJ Halsey appeared to this man as His alter being, Wilding, and He spake thusly:
3. “Ye who walks in the darkness, stop, and take heed of my word.”
4. And Wilding spoke further unto the man, but in another tongue.
5. “I know not of what you speak”, said the man, “for you speak in a tongue alien to me. How am I know of what you speak, when what you speak is, quite frankly, all greek to me.”
6. Then Wilding, reverting to His first tongue, said to the man “Greek is the tongue I speak, and in Greek do I speak, and by the power of the Divine DJ Halsey so must you.”
7. And so it was that Nett knowly Lenn was educated in the Classical Halseyist tongue of Greek.
Part Two: The Man is Educated Further, and Given the Knowledge He Must Disperse.
1. Nett knowly Lenn was visited again by Wilding, who addressed him in Greek.
2. “Time has passed, and you must learn further what tidings I bring you.”
3. The man frowned, and looked at Wilding, for Wilding was fingering His great horn.
4. “You must learn,” said Wilding “the second great Classical tongue, that of the Latins, and you must learn of their history and of their culture, and only then will you be fit to receive my message.”
5. “But what,” replied the man, “is this message you speak of? Can you give me no hint?
6. “For I can now understand all the major tenses, cases, genders, persons, moods and constructions in both Halsey’s great Classical tongues.
7. “Am I still not worthy of your message?”
8. With this, Wilding became exceedingly angry, and rebuked the man thusly:
9. “You will heed the message in time, and until that time is nigh, you would be well counselled to Shut the Hell up!”
10. The man turned and ran, for he was sore afraid, and continued to run until He came to water.
11. There He turned to find Wilding on his shoulder, preaching to him the great wisdom of Halsey.
Part Three: The Man Understands, and Sets Out to Perform His Task.
1. Having heard the words whispered in His earwhile he was running, the man fell on His knees.
2. “Oh great Halsey, how could I have failed to see your greatness. I now understand why you have put me on this planet.
3. “What must I do to please you, master?”
4. Wilding then disappeared into a cloud of smoke, and the man began to walk towards His home.
5. Upon reaching home, he fell asleep, and was visited in a dream by DJ Halsey Himself.
6. “I am DJ Halsey,” he said “and you shall be my MC. You shall spread the word throughout the earth,
7. “and people everywhere shall become enlightened, and learned in Classical things.
8. “For your initial distrust you shall bear no scar, for I scar not my follwers for their sins, and verily shalt thou preach throughout the earth.
9. “In time you will meet others who follow your teachings. They shall be your apostle. One of these will be your successor.”
10. At dawn, the man woke, and heard a voice from Heaven, saying:
11. “Go, MC Lennett, and may my peace ever shine upon you.”
Thus endeth the History
Part One: Revelations of the Creation.
1. This is the wisdom of Halsey, as received by the Prophet, MC Lennett (pbuh).
2. In the beginning was the word, and the word was Yo, and the word was with Yo, and mo, and everyone.
3. Yet was no-one there to hear the word Yo, for Yo was the only word.
4. And did DJ Halsey speak Yo into the darkness, and the darkness obeyed Him, and was everything made,
5. for was not anything that was made made without the word Yo.
6. Now must you spread these things.
Part Two: Revelations of Early Kingdoms.
1. “For in the beginning, with Yo, were certain kingdoms, many of whom were believers,
2. “like the ocean kingdom of Estior in the north, and the Pyrens in the south.
3. “Others, however, like the unruly Undecans in the east, the pirate Nonians in the south, and the western Doldrums, were non-believers.
4. “Oft did I have to intervene in wars between believers in me, believers in another Deity, and non-believers.
5. “The Pyrens would fight the Nonians in the south, and I would have to save the Pyrens.
6. “Then would I attempt to convert the Nonians, and when I did, both would be warred on by the Hisps, a race believing in a God very different from me.”
Part Three: Revelations on their Fates.
1. “But the warring factions of other races could not sustain their war for very long, for the most part.
2. “However, one race, the western race of the Passens, had eaten of the tree of greed, and would not stop
3. “until they had rid the world of all races who they felt posed a threat to them.
4.“The Doldrums, once converted, had to be saved, and were moved eastward, to a territory north of the Pyrens, but south of the Estior.
5. “But soon had the Wells, from west of Estior, fallen into alleigence with the Passens, and sought to destroy the Doldrums.
6. “The Doldrums, and the other tribes from that area of the earth, partook in a mass exodus eastwards, away from the oncoming Passen ships.
7. “Eventually, they reached a haven in the mountains of Khyber, but were soon overcome, and were all the Halseyist tribes but one destroyed.
8. “The Estior, who had escaped north of Khyber to Syber, and taken refuge with the Yakuts there, survived, but couldn’t take back their kingdom.
9. “Other than this tribe, no other tribe or race of people believing in me had survived.
10. “Therefore I say to you, find now this tribe, and help it to reclaim its kingdom from the Wells,
11. “then proceed to preach to the world the glory of Halsey.”
1. Great people of Estior, may the peace of Halsey be with you.
2. I am coming to give you aid in returning to your kingdom, which have been so undeservedly stolen by the Wells.
3. I can take you from your current home in Syber to the Wash, north of your Kingdom, and part of the kingdom of the Wells.
4. From there, you should be able to plan to reclaim your lost Kingdom.
5. In return, I ask only that you lead me in preaching to the world the greatness of Halsey.
6. You may appoint one of your number, one who is preferably already one with leadership, as High Priest of Halsey,
7. and as High Priest of Halsey shall he remain for all the days of His life.
8. I shall reach your city walls in no more than 20 days, and shall then lead you across the northern ocean to the Land of Ice,
9. and from there to the Land of the Exiled Pharaohs.
10. The Land of the Orks shall be our next station, before reaching the Wash 100 days after we set out.
11. There shall I leave you, and here shall I leave you now, as I begin my trek from the Great city of the Bears.
12. Until in twenty days we meet, may Halsey be with you.
13. Pax.
1. “Since the synthesis has the Divine DJ Halsey been seen on His earth but once.
2. “Wilding, the Divine in another form, has visited certain holy men, namely St Alwise and St Hu, to pass on messages of Halsey,
3. “but the Divine Himself has never been seen.
4. “A time will come, however, when verily will Wilding begin to be seen upon the earth,
5. “visiting whole tribes and races of people, whose allegiance lies with Halsey only.
6. “These tribes shall be joined by an endless road, where they can walk and find only Halseyists,
7. “and shall they interbreed and diversify, and spawn a whole new race.
8. “Once this purity is achieved shall the world draw to a close in its present state.
9. “Those who believe shall survive, and verily will those who survive believe.
10. “Any person who is a non-believer in Halsey, but devout to his own God, shall be survived in a separate part of the earth,
11. “to live by his own religion with others who share it.
12. “Those non-believers in any faith, who have lived by the law of their tribes without faith in any God shall undergo a similar fate.
13. “But those who have deliberately acted against the law of Halsey, or of any other faith or tribe, shall find their life on earth at an end,
14. “and they shall be subjected to an eternity in the fiery depths of Mount Doom.
15. “Those who survived through allegiance to Halsey shall find a life free from pain or suffering,
16. “one whereby knowledge is given to all, and wisdom might be gained directly from the Divine Himself,
17. “and the Divine Himself will come and live amongst His people as Wilding did in the days of St Alwise,
18. "and the people shall be joined by other Halseyists who joined Him for eternity through death earlier in time,
19. “and the Divine shall sit with His Prophets and Saints to His right, and His High Priests and other clerics to His left.
20. “And shall Gerard Beelzebub Houllier be cast out from the earth to live with the sinners and traitors to Halsey in the fiery depths of Mount Doom, to be called Oroduin.
21. “In this way shall good and evil separate for all eternity, and shall the good and virtuous live in peace and harmony with DJ Halsey for evermore
22. “and the evil and treacherous shall suffer themselves the punishment they deserve.
23. “With the peace of DJ Halsey for evermore, Guamen.”
1. Go, and never darken my towels again.
Here endeth the Revelations of DJ Halsey, and also his bible, the Agana Scripts.